To my future husband,

I have many mental issues (including Asperger syndrome, ADHD, general anxiety disorder leading to panic attacks etc.).

I’m constantly torn between „I‘m the worst person that anyone could have the misfortune to meet“ and „I’m actually very kind, sometimes too much and this is my problem“.

According to the neurotypical point of view – I’m boring. I’m not a spontaneous person. If you feel like you don’t want to and don’t need to plan anything, if you feel like you are able to go to the pub at 11 PM, suddenly from minute to minute, don’t contact me. I need some kind of routine. I’ve changed a bit but this will never fully change. It would be suffering for both of us.

Adventure means something slightly different to me. It means walking around the city, it means spending a day in a shopping center deducing people there, it means volunteering or starting a non-profit organization. It definitely doesn’t mean climbing and sleeping in a tent in a forest.

I’m like a professional runner who has leg pain. I’m – I was naturally optimistic but due to bad experiences I’ve become cynical.

I’ve come trough the hell so please don’t judge me if I sometimes get paranoid and suspicious. It sounds like a cliché – but it’s not you but me and other people that left me. I was harassed and bullied many times (by my classmates plus by my teachers too) and no one ever helped me. As I found out I have Child Abuse and Neglect syndrome as well because of my unstable mother. I’ve lost many people because of my „strangeness“. I’ve got burned by many people. Therefore I might need to hear compliments from time to time because I never hear them. Therefore I might sometimes need to hear that you love me even though I’m strictly rational kind of person.

I’m really chaotic and I seem to be unfriendly, arrogant and cold. But that’s not true. That’s not me.

On the other hand, I can be really loving. I’ll buy you random things that you like, I’ll cook your favorite dishes just to see you happy. You’ll never hear words like „you can’t do it, for god’s sake come back to earth“. I’m open-minded. I’m trustworthy. I’m highly intelligent and teachable. I don’t give up. I try to help other people with disabilities.

But I don’t believe in love; does it even exist? I don’t even believe that you exist. But I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.


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